Creepy Stuff

I went out to a bar last night and got semi-loaded with dinner.I consumed at least two large glasses of Fransikanner Weissbier and 3 White Russians at home. My Fiancee is out of town for the week and I had an absolutely lousy day. So I hung out at home and re-watched the movie PontyPool. This movie is very creepy. It's about a virus that is transmitted through language. I love movies like this. I've been a zombie movie fan since I was a kid. My fiancee is not a fan, so I watch them when she's not around. Which works out great except for the terror that I feel when I'm about to go to sleep. It's hard enough sleeping without my fiancee next to me. I get weirded out. It's a little ridiculous if I think about it, but I imagine the undead creeping their way into my house, silently. I sleep with the light on. I'm a little comforted that my dog sleeps in my bed with me. she can probably hear them better than I can. At one point of every evening I deal with this I think "This is ridiculous! Zombies don't exist, and if they did, sleeping with the light on isn't going to matter. If I die in some George A Romero type situation, so be it! Good night!" Well for some reason, last night I came to this same conclusion and went to sleep. But at 1:45AM in the morning I woke up, looked at the wall next to my bed and saw it was crawling with flies and bugs. It was a swarm. I looked and jumped out of my bed like I was I fire. I went into the bathroom to get my head together. I was exhausted and trying to wake up and get my bearing. I walked back into the bedroom and the swarm was gone. I completely imagined/dreamed?/Half-dreamed? the situation. Needless to say I was "up" for a while after that and went downstairs to watch Family Guy and ate a banana. I was able to go back to sleep last night without too much trouble. But I felt like I had a hallucination, and I wanted to share. Sleep tight folks! (creep, creep, creep)

Completely irresponsible?

Nah! That would require more conviction than I possess. I'm only moderately irresponsible. I have a hard time answering calls, returning calls. I have difficulty staying focused at work. I don't really stay in touch with my friends. I like to put a foot ball field's worth of distance between me and almost every person in my life. It's really a comfort thing. Unfortunately, I know it's wrong and my friends and family really hate it, but I'm too hostile to approach about it, so it's business as usual. I feel like I put myself in solitary confinement by choice and then complain about how alone I am. It's kinda funny in a "I just ran over my dog, but hey! it looks like a Jackson Pallock painting! Neat!" way. All morose kidding aside. I really wish I was comfortable with seeing my friends and family more. Social situations to me are like big, sticky bandaids and I'm a hairy gorrilla. It's not fun, I don't look forward to it, I actually dread it. I guess I feel like it gives people a chance to judge me. "How are you? What have you been up to?" feels like an inquisition, (I'm not going to use examples from my life but I will illustrate): "How's your business? is it ever going to turn a profit?" "Oh, Still not dating anyone?" "How's that weight problem going?" Let me just say that it's not the people in my life that I want to avoid. It's their alleged judgement. It's my own problems mirrored back to me through someone else, that I want to avoid. Is that narciscistic? Probably, I know people have their own problems, that they don't want to talk about. I know people are just trying to get a footing in the conversation but thinking (He has a Pittbull) "how's the pitbull doing?" To which I reply "My Pittbull attacked two nuns.(thanks for bringing it up!)" I don't have a pittbull, it's a dramatization, but you get my point. I'm thrilled to death with the people in my life, it's MY LIFE I'm on the outs with. Unfortunately, I'm like a big Lion with a couple slivers of glass in my paw. I just want to roar and attack all day long. Eh, I've gotten over it to a certain degree. Looking at it from another person's perspective helps. It's less of fire now, and more of an ember that I step on every now and again, barefooted. If anything, its a sign of progress that I even care about this. Because in the past I wouldn't even have examined my behavior and if someone asked, I would have said: "That's just the way I am." Now, at least I can say: "It's not you, it's me."