Constantly making the wrong decisions

I'm making the wrong decisions and liking it! Well .... not really. The decisions I make are immediately gratifying but ultimately destructive. For example, I see a nutritionist and I'm trying to lose weight. The bad decision: Getting a bacon egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast today. I'm reading "Finding Your Inner Giant" by Tony Robbins. This book talks about this behavior. The book points out how people make decisions based upon their relationship with pleasure and pain. I associate pleasure with fattening food and to deprive myself of that would be painful. Hence I made a decision that goes against my personal value of being healthy and eating right because of this relationship. Like exercise, I associate exercise with pain. I associate going to the NJ Motor Vehicle Commision with pain (I think we all do). This book is awesome, so far. Its basically showing me where I'm screwing up and why. I'm blown away by how crystal clear the problems in my life have become. Now, how do I fix them? I've read a few self-help books and they offer some useful suggestions and concepts but I've not yet read one that "completely changed my life." I'm only a couple of chapters into this book, I'll let you know how it goes.

Things are bad...

I walk into supply houses, delis, convenient stores and shoot the sh*t with people all day. All I hear is how bad everything is because of the economy. I hear that people are lucky to have work. My teacher in the vocational school I go to said "Kids are graduating college and there are no jobs out there that require a degree." I'm one of those people. I'm currently a plumber's apprentice and I've been so since I was in the sixth grade simply because I was always interested in doing something else. I have a BA in communications and I hope to use that job someday. I'm to the point now where I'm seriously considering getting an internship or volunteering just to get some experience that doesn't envolve using wrenches and getting dirty. I really want to be a writer first and foremost. I'm trying to use any outlet I can to write. I'm writing anything: poems, blogs, stories, songs. I'm doing it just to build a body of work. It's taking a really long time because I'm not always motivated. Once I get rolling, it's like opening a flood gate though. I'm not even going to wait for the end of my vocational school semester. I'm going to jump on my search for one of these unpaid positions and see if there's anyway I can do it during the evening hours. I want to get my foot in the door some how and when I finally do, I'm going to wear a steel toe boot....

Inspiration

How can you inspire people if you haven't done anything really truly great? That's like asking someone why they became a philanthropist after becoming a millionaire. At that point you have the wealth to give. What's really inspiring though, is when you don't have much to give but you give regardless. I'm a totally selfish person BTW. Maybe that's why I'm not getting anywhere in life.... Eh maybe that's not true either. Think about how many selfish jerks make it in life. I mean, it doesn't mean they're actually happy, but they are enviable. I want to be a great person, where do I sign up?

Lif'e's wierd dude!

For the past year I've been complaining endlessly about how I graduated at the worst possible time I could and how I don't know what I want to do with my life and I'm approaching my mid thirties. So many things have been on my mind lately. I'm flat broke, I'm actually past broke and tens of thousands of dollars in debts ($20thou to my credit cards and $30 thou to my student loans making it a whopping $50 thousand dollars I'm under). I've been in and out of my family plumbing business since the sixth grade either as an apprentice, office manager, or journeyman depending on whether I was trying to avoid the road or the office at that particular time. I have a like-hate relationship with this trade. Most of the time it's hate, but right now it's keeping me afloat. So after finishing nearly a decade long bachelor's degree I'm back in school to become a plumber (the occupation I went to college to avoid) because the job market is really rough right now. So, yeah, just my luck, I graduated clueless just when the stock market started crashing and thousands of people are laid off. Wah! I try not to look at it as the end of the world, I just feel like I'm terminally entry level. Then I get even more bummed when I read that even people with tons more experience than I have are on the unemployment line. If they're hopless, where does that leave me? I'm under paid, over-weight, in-debt, out of ideas, directionless and my fiancee is going to shoot me if I complain about one more thing.

That sounds pretty bleak, I know, but there are things that I can to help matters: I want to be a writer and I'm having a tough time getting my foot in the door. This blog is supposed to help with that, at least as an output to get my chops up. I could sell my body?..... Nah, no takers.

I could job hunt regardless just to practice and see what's out there. I get discouraged though. I feel like all the real opporunities are hidded behind a three feet thick wall of scam and advertisement. "Give us $30.00 and we'll give you a list of jobs that you're not qualified for! Such a deal!" No thanks!! i thought about PR and I applied for a couple of those jobs. I got one call back and it was from a direct marketing firm. ARG!! People out there must be really desperate to look at a place like that and go " Yeah, I'll take money from friends and family and/or make cold-calls to generate revenue for a product that doesn't exist. Sure!" How on God's green covered dirtball is this LEGAL? These ads are all over the place, on legitimate job sites. Nobody investigates this stuff?

I'd love to be a tech-writer. They make tons of money, allegedly. I wonder how to get in the door with that field? And where do I go to get the experience necessary?

Doesn't it feel like a trap?: You apply. You can't get a job without college. You go to college and it takes years. You apply. You don't have enough experience, do an internship and starve. You do an internship and drop 30 pounds. You apply and maybe you get the job, maybe not. If you do get the job, it's not forever and you may get laid off. You apply. You're over-qualified now.

BUT HEY! I'm not saying give up, no one ever made it by giving up. So many have tried... It just doesn't work.

Cyber-life

I wish my debt was just as real as my vampire character in Facebook. You know, those stupid applications where you randomly battle someone for "vampbucks" or some retarded shit like that? I wish my Credit card bills were just as phony. I already closed them out, so I won't need real money from them. I just mess with them for fun. Wow! Look that balance is kinda' high! I'm a high roller! WOoohooo! I could use it as a tool to help deal with my mounting debt. When it comes to cyber-finances, I'm seriously in the red. I'm going to be in debt for 5 years at least. I try to think of what I spent all that money on and I really can't. Some things come to mind, but it's not like I can account for every dollar I've spent. The sad fact is, I probably ate most of it. I'm carrying around a $20,000 weight problem. Way to cheer myself up!

A monster job...... where do I begin

I really want to take care of business this year. I have a lot of catching up to do. I want to start with my house. I want to re-organize it and clean it thoroughly before I start renovating it again. Each room is it's own seperate catastrophe. We have soooooo much shit. Too much shit, really. There are books, movies, CDs, Posters, Bills and stuffed animals everywhere. I'm trying to set up one room as the "Sanity Zone" but that means taking everything out and putting it somewhere else and where the hell is that? We need to start purging what's not important. This house needs to vomit all the bad shit out. I run out of drive and ambition. I also get completely overwhelmed by the question: WHERE THE HELL AM I GOING TO PUT EVERYTHING? I'd like to buy some shelves and cabinets and boxes. Really it's just painful decision making, repetitious decision making: Yes or No. The Yes-pile gets put away (somewhere) the No-pile gets thrown out or given away. I really feel like I need help though. I mean, I'm IN IT. I'm up to my nose in this problem and so is my significant other. She's more overwhelmed than I am. But you have to start somewhere, for some reason, in some way. I talk a big game, but action counts here more than anything. I can plan till I'm blue in the face. It won't work without action.

I'm Baaaaaack

I Know nobody's reading this but.... I'm blogging again folks.... Keep your eyes peeled like bananas.