Kicking the Rant...

I need to remind myself of where I want to be in life sometimes. I get a little too comfortable when things are going right. Then I get slapped in the face so hard I spend all of my energy just trying to stay afloat. So my philosophy has become: Look at the big picture when things are in semi-decent shape, then you'll have the strength and the positive presence of mind needed to make wise decisions and push toward your goals. That's about as "sunny-side" as I get. I almost went off on another rant last night (I'm trying not to, they don't help). I just found that there are so many little pockets of my life that are a problem for me when i'm in "bitch" mode. In the past I headed toward these never-ending roundy-rounds with the noble intention of "Getting things done." Then when I realized that there was no hope of that happening it became the noble intention of "Deciding what action to take in order to get things done"; but even that turned sour. I find now that I have to just sit quietly and think about where all this crap is going. What is the eventual "wise" thought that I would have after bitching so loudly that my fiancee starts ignoring me, or so ferociously that I have to get out of bed and focus on others things in order to calm down and gain some perspective. What's the eventual thought that I have the next morning, after I've stayed up all night, after I've apologied yet again. Usually there's some wisdom there. I'm trying to skip the un-necessary bullshit that I usually get stuck in. I was able to do it once so far, just once. That was last night. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say, I came up with two sentences. Then we moved on to other pleasant topics and went to sleep. That was a success in my eyes.

Again with the weird dreams

Sound asleep in bed last night, I apparently wanted to go back to the home where I grew up. I go lots of strange places in my dreams. I guess it's because I can't afford to go anywhere in real life, lately. But last night I decided to go home. I was walking around my parents house, it was late, very late at night. It's really weird how you just take everything for granted in your dreams. "I'm a 200 foot long, 8 headed ant." (Yeah, sure. So it's Tuesday?). I noticed that the back yard lights were on and the back porch lights were on. I started looking for my family. Maybe someone's having a late-night party back here? That was not the case. The lights shut off abruptly and someone stuffed me into a dark black garbage bag or can or something. I felt my self struggle, literally, I was trying to move my arms and couldn't. I woke up in an awkward position with both arms asleep. I think when you have bad dreams, your brain is trying to tell you something. In this case it was "Wake up! There is very little circulation to your arms and this is a problem!" I just love it when my brain stuffs me violently into a garbage can! whoohooo!

Creepy Stuff

I went out to a bar last night and got semi-loaded with dinner.I consumed at least two large glasses of Fransikanner Weissbier and 3 White Russians at home. My Fiancee is out of town for the week and I had an absolutely lousy day. So I hung out at home and re-watched the movie PontyPool. This movie is very creepy. It's about a virus that is transmitted through language. I love movies like this. I've been a zombie movie fan since I was a kid. My fiancee is not a fan, so I watch them when she's not around. Which works out great except for the terror that I feel when I'm about to go to sleep. It's hard enough sleeping without my fiancee next to me. I get weirded out. It's a little ridiculous if I think about it, but I imagine the undead creeping their way into my house, silently. I sleep with the light on. I'm a little comforted that my dog sleeps in my bed with me. she can probably hear them better than I can. At one point of every evening I deal with this I think "This is ridiculous! Zombies don't exist, and if they did, sleeping with the light on isn't going to matter. If I die in some George A Romero type situation, so be it! Good night!" Well for some reason, last night I came to this same conclusion and went to sleep. But at 1:45AM in the morning I woke up, looked at the wall next to my bed and saw it was crawling with flies and bugs. It was a swarm. I looked and jumped out of my bed like I was I fire. I went into the bathroom to get my head together. I was exhausted and trying to wake up and get my bearing. I walked back into the bedroom and the swarm was gone. I completely imagined/dreamed?/Half-dreamed? the situation. Needless to say I was "up" for a while after that and went downstairs to watch Family Guy and ate a banana. I was able to go back to sleep last night without too much trouble. But I felt like I had a hallucination, and I wanted to share. Sleep tight folks! (creep, creep, creep)

Completely irresponsible?

Nah! That would require more conviction than I possess. I'm only moderately irresponsible. I have a hard time answering calls, returning calls. I have difficulty staying focused at work. I don't really stay in touch with my friends. I like to put a foot ball field's worth of distance between me and almost every person in my life. It's really a comfort thing. Unfortunately, I know it's wrong and my friends and family really hate it, but I'm too hostile to approach about it, so it's business as usual. I feel like I put myself in solitary confinement by choice and then complain about how alone I am. It's kinda funny in a "I just ran over my dog, but hey! it looks like a Jackson Pallock painting! Neat!" way. All morose kidding aside. I really wish I was comfortable with seeing my friends and family more. Social situations to me are like big, sticky bandaids and I'm a hairy gorrilla. It's not fun, I don't look forward to it, I actually dread it. I guess I feel like it gives people a chance to judge me. "How are you? What have you been up to?" feels like an inquisition, (I'm not going to use examples from my life but I will illustrate): "How's your business? is it ever going to turn a profit?" "Oh, Still not dating anyone?" "How's that weight problem going?" Let me just say that it's not the people in my life that I want to avoid. It's their alleged judgement. It's my own problems mirrored back to me through someone else, that I want to avoid. Is that narciscistic? Probably, I know people have their own problems, that they don't want to talk about. I know people are just trying to get a footing in the conversation but thinking (He has a Pittbull) "how's the pitbull doing?" To which I reply "My Pittbull attacked two nuns.(thanks for bringing it up!)" I don't have a pittbull, it's a dramatization, but you get my point. I'm thrilled to death with the people in my life, it's MY LIFE I'm on the outs with. Unfortunately, I'm like a big Lion with a couple slivers of glass in my paw. I just want to roar and attack all day long. Eh, I've gotten over it to a certain degree. Looking at it from another person's perspective helps. It's less of fire now, and more of an ember that I step on every now and again, barefooted. If anything, its a sign of progress that I even care about this. Because in the past I wouldn't even have examined my behavior and if someone asked, I would have said: "That's just the way I am." Now, at least I can say: "It's not you, it's me."

Born with Eyor's Serotonin Level

Lately, I'm finding that while I'm blogging and twittering away on line into cyberspace I'm able to take a look at my daily perspective over time. I've been able to do this by reading journal entries too, but the difference here is: my bloggs and Tweets are usually edited (somewhat) and previously thought out. Whereas the journals I do are random venting sessions where I spew bile and darkness all over some poor unassuming text or word file until whatever I'm obsessing over passes. What's concerning me is, the reason I edit and think about my public displays of lunacy is because I want them to be entertaining, semi-uplifting and basically positive. Now, when I say positive, I don't mean beaming with rainbows and flowers and golden hope for a better future. What I try to do is empathize and say "Yes, your irrational rage, irritation and delusions about life are real because you feel them. But here is some bittersweet hope to get you through." I'm realizing lately that it isn't coming off that way, at least to me. I just see sadness. I see an unwillingness to let go of that sadness. Like the sadness is my oxygen. Like the sadness is my reality and if I let that go, then I'm Mr. Brady and I'm living some sit-com plastic existance. Now, I don't like sadness but I feel like it's a part of life. It's built into the foundation of reality, it's there people. I can't ignore it. All I can do is not let it consume me. Accept it and do my best to survive and find true happiness, not a cookie cutter cartoon with butter flies. But a wonderous forest with forgotten creatures and beautiful pixies with melohcholly faces. Okay.. forget I said anything...

Keep your head down...

I often find myself in situations where there's an issue between two or more people that I know well that causes a huge conflict. It starts with a casual discussion between two people about the issue. There's usually a mis-understanding between them. Party A feels one way and wants party B to feel the same and admit that Party A is Right. Party B has a lot of stubborn pride too and won't concede. There's usually about ten to twenty minutes of cyclical conversation before both parties get frustrated with eachother, turn up the volume (verbally) and lose the niceties of the previous portion of the conversation. This continues until either someone gets fed up and ends the conversation or a third party is dragged in in-order to define a variable that neither of them can. This variable is usually used to get a final ruling in the conversation which now has "argument" stamped on it in huge red letters. The next conversation can go many ways depending on the situation. I'm just going to name a few. 1. The third party provides a basic explanation and the judgement is made, for either side (it really doesn't matter). 2. The third party kicks it over to a fourth party that isn't there currently (which is putting a band-aid on the problem and just making the whole ordeal a lot longer and drawn out, really.) 3. The third party has just as much stubborn pride as the other two and argues his or her point (which creates an alegence with one of the two parties). Now, it is really annoying? Scary? Painful? To watch this go down when you know that all three parties are stubborn people who think that they're right all the time and can't handle it when they're wrong. This happened to me today. I saw this situation unfold, knowing that it was going to. I distanced myself from it as much as I could and didn't get sucked in. The only thing that I learned from the situation is: Even if time has passed, and YOU can laugh about it now; DO NOT bring it up to any of those three parties. I say this because it's tempting, but really not worth it. What I've found is, that party will argue their point in your ear and really who wants to hear that again? Right?

What am I doing this for again?

I think about that Teeshirt I see people wear. the one that says " You're not a writer, you're not an artist, you're not deep, you're just a guy with a computer." The first time I saw it, I thought it was funny. Only because I've seen people writing about stupid subjects like Sit-coms or reality TV and acting like they're an iconic author with a poetic voice of a generation. Or young parents who write stuff like "Gee-Shucks! Look at what little Bobby did today! Isn't he just the center of my universe!" But then I thought about it. I started this blogg a while ago and I haven't really touched it. Its been sitting here for three years. I half-expected it to be erased or something. Then I wondered why I did it in the first place. I don't have anything huge to say. I can articulate well. I can use colorful metaphors. I like seeing my words on a screen or a page, that's cool. I mostly do it for personal enjoyment. Now I know what you're thinking " T-Dizod, you don't do it." My answer to that is " I don't do it here. I don't blogg. I don't feel like anyone has an interest in what I have to say anyway." Which is one way to look at it. Another way is, I don't really put myself out there. Creative people need to put themselves "out there" in order to get readers, followers, support ect. I am practically secretive about my writing, which does me no favors what-so-ever. I've written many journal entries. I've written poems, short stories, essays. Mostly my opinion and psychological therapy stuff to help me get through things. I've written and recorded many songs too. I like it, I really do, but for some demented reason, I can't get into the solid habit of writing this blog and I don't put it out there for god and everyone to see. I guess I'm aprehensive because of possible criticism. A lot of people out there cannot write and wish they could so they become critics and bash the work of others as a way of making a living. This idea used to terrify me. I mean I wouldn't try because I didn't want to even think about being ripped apart. I feel like I've learned how to handle rejection somewhat. I'm by no means an expert. I am very sensitive about my work but here are some things that I've learned.. 1.Opinions aren't fact. This is so hard to remember. Something inside of me always takes the words of others as gospel. I guess it comes from having a low self esteem. I think part of why I would get so angry and hurt at criticism is because I had the perspective that "if someone else thinks it, it must be true." Now this is a two-parter because there's another idea that goes along with this that is lethal with regard to your determination to do things and go places in life. The second belief is "I'm a bad egg and should quit." I can't even tell you how many times I think that very thought about a lot of things. Criticism comes when someone doesn't appreciate your work, or notices mistakes and wants to tell you about every last one of them. The key is to take it for what it's worth. If someone is just bashing you to bash you, They want you to get mad, so the second thing to remember is: 2. Don't get mad, the stronger you are, the more stupid they'll feel. If you can argue a point, stick to the point. If not, move on somehow. BTW. I am totally aware of how hard it is to not get mad and can fully appreciate the urge to spin off. But if that's what you do, anyone can walk up and pop you in the face and you're done. 3. What can you learn from this? If you did something wrong, do your best to not make that mistake again. This is also very hard to do, especially if you have a compulsive tendancy to make this mistake. 4. MOST IMPORTANT: TAKE A STEP AWAY FOR A WHILE, (if you can) You need to give yourself a break when you get bashed. Whether its a cup of coffee in the lounge for 5 minutes. Or a cigarette break or a trip to Boston...Walk away as soon as you can and if you have to go global-thermal DO IT IN PRIVATE. If you have to vent, vent in a note book or a Word file and read it over. Later on, if you feel like it, go through and take out the positive stuff and delete the rest. This will help get the poison out of your head and help you get distance. 5. Don't beat yourself up. Don't dump kerosene on the brush fire by getting pissed off and abusive toward your self. There's the initial sting and then there's the sting you provide by going over it. Even if this person has you to dead to rights. The world will forget about it sooner or later, especially if you're working hard to fix the problem. 6. Their criticism is only your epitaph if you make it your epitaph.I really don't care who you are. If you're considered the best (insert vocation here)in the world. You still have something to learn. You may not know it, yet. If you're really arrogant, then you're not even open to finding something new to learn.